Right Now In Your Life Today
As I sit here working on TDP documents to share with the community a phrase keeps repeating in my mind. “Right now in your life today” is a phrase Anna and I decided to make a large part of a document we are getting ready to share with all of you soon. I’ve been thinking about what this means to me today.
We all know in our minds that we are constantly changing and growing. We hear people say it all the time. This morning as I write, I realize that I rarely take the time to let that idea resonate inside myself and recognize the changes within myself that have taken place over time, both short and long term.
A few weeks ago I received a call that eventually changed my life forever. My father’s fall had ruptured his spleen, and he was going in for surgery. Weeks later and after many ups and downs and medical complications my dad passed away on November 7. I was lucky enough to be with him as he passed away. I was unprepared to lose my dad, and I’m only beginning to realize the start of my personal grieving process.
One thing this experience has done for me so far is the resurgence of the idea that we need to live in the moments of our lives. Too many times we live in regret of past experiences or in fear of what our future holds. All too often we overlook the wonder and awe of what today brings us. Instead we make plans for the future and disregard today. I see how regret and fear dictated many of my dad’s actions and interactions with friends and family over the last two decades. His last years, specifically the last 2 years, could have been much different for him had he let go of personal regret, release the fear of what may come, and live his life in his Right Now.
A clear cut example of this was his fear of retirement. He was so worried he wouldn’t be able to make ends meet financially once he retired that he continually moved his retirement date till he reached the next milestone. Each milestone was reached, and a new one would be set. Most conversations with him included his wishes of moving out of Washington and back home to Texas - “when he retired.” He eventually retired in August, less than 2 months prior to his fall in October.
Dad clearly defined himself by his work, yet he constantly yearned for a day he retired and could relax. His preoccupation with personal regret of his past and fear of the future kept him from enjoying his Right Now. In reality, his Right Now held amazing gifts and he was blocked from them by the ever present fear and regret he held onto so strongly and unconsciously. These gifts included a job he enjoyed, coworkers who cared deeply for him, children who loved him and craved time with him, and grandchildren who will now never fully know what an amazing man he really was.
I look at my father as an example of many things in life. As I contemplate the meaning of “right now in your life today” I see him as yet another example. I realize at this point in my life today I have inherited many of these same traits from my father. I’m a self-proclaimed over analyzer. I often focus on a small detail within a situation and think about what I could have done to make it better. I worry about my family’s financial future, and often let my worries dictate how I handle our finances and life choices.
I look back over the last 2 years and realize that my life is full of love and magic. My daughter, now 21 months old, has blessed our lives with much wonderment and love, and the gift of her life has brought more to me than I could ever put into words. Yet the memories of her first years often seem blurry and hurried. Then I look at my father, who’s last 2 years could have been much different than they were had he chosen to cast fear and regret aside and live his life in his Right Now.
What is the connection? Right Now in my life today I believe this connection is the beginning of a lesson for me - I need to let my own personal regrets and fears take a backseat to my life today. My life today is this - I am a wife and mother to a wonderfully supportive husband and an amazing and miraculous little girl. I have been given the gift of not working this year so I can focus on my family. Finances aside, we are a whole and complete unit that is fully capable of taking care of each others’ needs. I don’t want to let a single moment together be clouded or muted by fears or regret.
Is this completely possible? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am going to put away my computer, leave the dishes in the sink, and go blow bubbles with my girl and appreciate the miracles inside them.
What are you going to do with your Right Now today?