In looking back at my life I can now see that my depression was something that came in and out of my life since an early age, but I didn’t realize it until I truly decided to deal with the cause of the depression instead of covering it up. It is because I finally accepted responsibility for my life that brought me to The Depression Project and opened the door for my healing and the gift God gave me to help others heal.

 

If we live long enough we will all have tragedy and difficult times to go through, so I don’t see my life as any harder than anyone else’s. I actually see my life as a blessing and realize that the tough times made me who I am today and taught me that I can make it through anything. I also feel blessed because I know that God was always right there – just far enough for me to make a mess but just close enough to catch me when I did.

 

Much of my childhood I do not remember and I have decided to no longer pursue what I can’t remember. What is most important is celebrating the value of each day and guiding others to live a blessed and fulfilled life. I share my story for that reason. If my story can inspire just one person to take a step towards a better life, then I am fulfilling my purpose.

 

At the age of five, my mother gathered up my brother and myself late one night and ran to the neighbor’s house for safety. My father decided to beat my mom again but this time, in his alcoholic rage, he was threatening to beat us and my mom decided at that moment to leave. My mother had tried to leave before, she had called the police several times, but each time my father apologized and promised to change. The police reports were never filed, because my father was a police officer and his fellow officers failed to report them.

 

My mother has now been married and divorced twice at the age of 29, 2 kids and no drivers’ license, and this is in the 1960’s where women were looked down at more often than not for not “putting” up with their husbands.  My older brother was born during her first marriage and his father abandoned them. Little did I know then that I would only see my father 2 more times in my life and I would have to initiate both of them, my mom would marry 3 more times before I was 18 and we would move so many times I lost count. We never had a stepfather that ever fathered us. Looking back it was more like we were extra baggage that came with my mother. I always knew though that my mother loved us and was doing the best she knew how.

 

Starting in first grade I developed weight problems that got so out of control I was eventually put on diet pills. I had difficulty socializing except in a very narrow circle and never involved myself in any school activities. Church became the place where I felt most comfortable and I do have some memories of choir and youth bible study. It is in middle school where I remember my first depressive state. School was not a safe place. There were fights everyday, attacks in the gym, lunchroom and in the hall. Teachers were not in control and I remember clearly the day I was attacked in front of the school, a knife pulled on me and my money stolen. My mother took me out of school and depression set in. My mother was working as hard as she could just to put food on the table and really didn’t know what to do with me. She finally gathered up all of her high school textbooks and told me to teach myself. I finally came out of that depression but soon after that went into another one and went through a year of bulimia, depression and looking for my self esteem in all the wrong places. I worked part time at my Uncles pizza place and when he moved to San Antonio to run 8 restaurants, I moved to. I was 17, on my own and had no idea how to take care of an apartment and myself, however my depression was gone and I was finding amazing happiness in my work. At 18, I moved back home briefly and fell back into depression. I ran again, unfortunately I did not leave the depression behind and I continued to search for who I was in all the wrong places.

 

I have spent my life in and out of depression, searching for who I am and all I had to do was put all of that in God’s hands, but instead I kept trying to figure it out on my own. I have run from one bad situation to another, looking for happiness in others instead of God. I married my first husband not because I loved him, but because I never wanted to go through what my mom did so I thought if I married someone I didn’t love, it would keep me from falling in love. That of course didn’t work. My second marriage was head over heels in love – happily ever after, so I thought. It was an unhealthy relationship but through all the misery and problems we truly loved each other and had a wonderful son. Unfortunately he took his own life soon after our son was born and my depression took me to a whole new level. Suicide is a funny thing in that the person committing suicide feels so dark that the only way they can see to end their suffering and the others around them is to leave this world, however for those that are left it just creates more darkness and depression.

 

I spent the next few years focusing on raising my son and the rest of the time working so I could ignore dealing with the suicide itself. My doctor put me on anti-depressants to level me out and I went along thinking I was just fine. I have always been blessed with the ability to make a good living making it even easier to ignore the real issues. The longer I put off dealing with the suicide, the longer I would be trapped in medicated depression and fear. My son is now 13 and I have finally, through Gods grace, forgiven my husband and have as much peace as you can. I am now able to allow myself to think of him and bring back the good memories. I look at my son and think how proud he would be of him instead of feeling the many negative emotions I did in the past.

 

My depression has been at bay for a few years now, until recently when it snuck up on me after a layoff. It took me by surprise because I have been out of work before and it has never impacted me in this way. Through Anna and her insight I was able to relax and listen to my body and my heart. I understood at that point that my depression was manifested to make me stop and pay attention to what was going on, not medicate it to make it go away. That led me to prayer, meditation and the most amazing peace and joy I have ever felt. There are no words to describe what I feel now, but I know it is the life God has meant for all of us. It is through this time that I found the clarity of my next journey and the purpose for all of the experiences I have been through.

 

Tags: anxiety, bipolar, depression, healing, mental health, recovery, wellness

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 24th, 2010 at 12:56 pm and is filed under Sheri's Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.