When youāre fighting a mental illness like depression or anxiety ā or anytime youāre going through a difficult, painful experience of any kind ā itās common to think the thought āno-one understands meā. In particular, according to members of The Depression Projectās community, while there are many, many different experiences which can fuel this thought, some common ones include, for example:
- Having your depression compared to ājust being sadā;
- Being casually told that thereās ānothing to worry aboutā when youāre feeling anxious;
- Being judged for struggling to function when youāre ādepression tiredā;
- Having no-one know just how much a traumatic experience has affected you;
- Being force-fed misguided, overly-simplistic suggestions which people are convinced will instantly cure your mental illness.
- Firstly, itās common to become, as we say in psychology, fused to this thought ā or in lay manās terms, to believe that itās a fact which is 100% true.
- Secondly, if you wholeheartedly believe this thought to be true, then it can leave you feeling lonely, miserable, hopeless, and in even more emotional pain than you were already in.
In particular, weāre going to:
- Firstly, help you view the thought āno-one understands meā as the thought that it is ā rather than a fact which is 100% true.
- Secondly, weāre going to point out some of the reasons why this thought may not quite be as true as you think it is.
- And, last but not least, weāre going to help you reframe this thought in more positive, uplifting ways ā so that rather than causing you to feel lonely, miserable and hopeless for example, you can feel more optimistic and better about your situation instead.
And, with all of that being said, let's now begin!
PartĀ 1: Viewing The Thought "No-one Understands Me" As A Thought, And Not A Fact
Like weāve said, the thought āno-one understands meā can cause you to feel lonely, miserable and hopeless when you fuse yourself to it ā or in other words, when you accept it as reality and believe it to be true. However, not all of the thoughts we have are 100% true. Some are, but some might only be 90% true ā¦ some might only be 80% true ā¦ some might only be 50% true ā¦ some might only be 20% true ā¦ and, some thoughts might not be true at all.
For this reason, the first step to defusing yourself from the thought "no-one understands meā is to label it as just that ā a thought ā as opposed to automatically accepting it as a fact which is 100% true. In practice, this could take the form of, for example, simply repeating to yourself:
āIām having the thought that no-one understands me ā¦"
"Iām having the thought that no-one understands me ā¦"
"Iām having the thought that no-one understands me ā¦ā
To further remind yourself that your thoughts arenāt always true, you instead may find it helpful to repeat to yourself something like:
āIām having the thought that no-one understands me, and like all thoughts, itās one that may or may not be true ā¦"
"Iām having the thought that no-one understands me, and like all thoughts, itās one that may or may not be true ..."
Alternatively, instead of repeating a phrase like this to yourself, you may find it more effective to, for example:
- Repeatedly write a phrase like this down;
- Write a phrase like this down once, and then repeatedly read over it.
No matter which method you chose, though, consciously making a point of labelling the thought āno-one understands meā as a thought is an important starting point in helping you to defuse yourself from it.
PartĀ 2:Ā Challenging The Thought āNo-One Understands Meā, And Highlighting Some Of The Reasons Why It May Not Be As True As It Seems
Once youāve recognised the thought āno-one understands meā as being just that ā a thought ā as opposed to a fact, the next step to defusing yourself from this thought is to āput it on trialā, so to speak, and try to determine just how true it actually is. With this objective in mind, letās begin by focusing on the āmeā part of the thought āno-one understands meā.
Putting the "me" part of the thought "no-one understands me" on trial
When you think about it, is it really all of you that isnāt understood, or just a part of you?
For example, letās say that the driving factor behind your thought āno-one understands meā is having your depression not being taken as seriously as you would like it to be, and having it compared to just being āsadā. In this case, rather than āno-one understands meā, wouldnāt a more accurate variation of this thought be āno-one understands my depressionā?
The same could be said if you think āno-one understands meā in response to being continuously told that thereās ānothing to worry aboutā when youāre feeling anxious, for example. Once again, in this case, wouldnāt a more accurate variation of the thought āno-one understands meā be āno-one understands my anxiety?ā
On that note, we encourage you to pause reading, and put your own thought āno-one understands meā on trial. When you do so, start by asking yourself:
IsĀ it really all of me that is being misunderstood, or just a part of me?
And, based on your conclusions, try to create a more accurate variation of your thought like weāve done in our two examples. Then, when youāre ready, continueĀ reading this blog post.
Could we make the "me" even more specific?
So thus far,Ā weāve put the āmeā part of the thought āno-one understands meā on trial, and modified it to something much more specific. However, is it possible that it is still not specific enough?
For example, if you modified the thought āno-one understands meā to āno-one understands my depressionā, then is it literally every single aspect of your depression that you believe is misunderstood, or only some aspects of it? And, if some aspects of your depression are understood to at least some degree, then wouldnāt a more accurate variation of the thought āno-one understands my depressionā be: āno-one understands my depression completely"?Ā Or, āno-one understands my depression as well as I would like them to"?
ļ»æOn that note, we encourage you toĀ pause reading once again, and think about how you can make your thought even more specific. Then, when youāre ready, please continue.
Putting theĀ "no-one"Ā part of the thoughtĀ "no-one understands me"Ā on trial
Next, letās put the āno-oneā component of the thought āno-one understands meā on trial as well. When you do this,Ā ask yourself:
Is it true that literally no-one understands?
Or, would it be more accurate to say that, for example, your parents donāt understand? Or that your brother, sister and mother donāt understand? Or that your friends donāt understand? Or that some of your friends donāt understand? Or, at the very least, wouldnāt it be more accurate to say that no-one you currently know understands ā which at least implies that there are people you donāt know, and could potentially meet, who would understand?
Additionally, as well as being specific about who doesnāt understand something about you, you can make the āno-oneā part of your thought even more accurate by being specific about the time period which this lack of understanding relates to.
For example, a more accurate variation of the thought āmy parents donāt completely understand my depressionā would be:
"My parents donāt completely understand my depression right now."
Or:
"Throughout the last year that Iāve been struggling with depression, my parents have not understood what Iām going through as well as I would have liked them toā.
With that being said, we encourage you toĀ pause reading once again, and reflect on who specifically doesnāt understand something about you, as well as what specific time period this lack of understanding relates to. Then, when youāre ready, please continueĀ reading.
Adding a "but" to your new variation of the thought "no-one understands me"
By this point in time, your original thought āno-one understands meā has been cross-examined from a few different angles, and ā at least we hope! ā has been modified into a much more specific, much more accurate thought. For example:
- "Most people I know donāt currently understand how much depression affects my ability to function."
- "My partner and their family donāt currently understand that my mental illness does not have a simple, quick-fix cure."
- "Right now, no-one in my life understands just how much the traumatic experience I went through last year still impacts me to this day."
And, to make this thought more accurate still ā as well as more positive, encouraging and uplifting as well ā we next encourage you to add a ābutā to it. For example:
- āMost people I know donāt currently understand how much depression affects my ability to function, but, the more I explain it to them, and the more theyāre able to learn about depression, the more likely they are to understand this in the future."
- āMost people I know donāt currently understand how much depression affects a personās ability to function, but, a few people do, and if I prioritise spending more time with those people moving forwards, then Iām more likely to receive the understanding Iām looking for."
- "My partner and their family donāt currently understand that my mental illness does not have a simple, quick-fix cure ā but, if my partner comes with me to my next doctorās appointment, then my doctor can thoroughly explain this to them, and also provide them with some resources to help them better understand anxiety. And, when they have a much better understanding of anxiety and why itās much too complicated of an illness to have a simple, quick-fix cure, theyāll then be in a much better position to join me in trying to explain this to their family, which will increase the likelihood of their family being able to understand this as well."
- "Right now, no-one in my life understands just how much the traumatic experience I went through last year still impacts me to this day, but, there are other people I donāt currently know who have been through a similar traumatic experience, and if Iām able to connect with them online or in person, then Iām much more likely to receive the understanding Iām looking for. Not only that, but one or more of these people may also be able to advise me on how I may be able to help the people I know now to better understand the impact my traumatic experience has had on me as well, which would also contribute to me feeling more and more understood."
With that being said, we encourage you toĀ pause reading for a moment once again, and think of one or more ābutsā you can add to your thought to make it not just more accurate, but also more positive, encouraging and uplifting as well.
Part 3: Conclusion, And Some Advice On What To Do If / When You Notice Yourself Thinking "No-one Understands Me" Moving Forwards
ļ»æNow that youāve made your way through this blog post, itās our hope that you feel much less fused to the thought āno-one understands meā, and that you have at least one much more accurate, much more positive thought that youād like to replace it with. If this is the case, then moving forwards, we encourage you to take steps to continuously remind yourself of this thought ā such as by, for example, writing it on a post-it note and placing it somewhere youāll frequently see it, saving it as the background on your phone, or just repeating it to yourself from time-to-time. If you do this, then anytime something happens to make you feel misunderstood, youāll be increasingly more likely to fuse yourself to this more accurate, more positive thought than you will be to fuse to the thought āno-one understands meā.
ļ»æOn the other hand, if despite making your way through this blog post, you still feel fused to the thought āno-one understands meā, then please try not to be discouraged. After all, if youāve been fused to the thought āno-one understands meā for a prolonged period of time, then it can take time ā and work ā to detach yourself from it. For this reason, any time you find yourself thinking āno-one understands meā, we encourage you toĀ work your way through this blog post again. The more times you do this, then the more and more your āthought defusion skillsā will develop, and as a result, the easier you will likely find it to de-fuse yourself from the thought āno-one understands meā.Ā
And, with that being said, weāve now reached the end of this blog post. From the bottom of our hearts, we really hope that youāve found it helpful.
All our love,
The Depression Project Team.
P.S. If you'd like to learn aĀ lotĀ more cognitive behavioural therapy strategies to help you cope with and overcome negative thoughts like "no-one understands me", then we've created a Bootcamp to help you do just that!
Access to thisĀ Bootcamp andĀ lots of others are included as part of our Depression Bootcamps Membership Platform - which you can learn more about by clicking the button below.